It has been over a year
I really cant even begin to comprehend all that God has done
all that He has stripped, chipped and carved away
the way that He has molded what remains
I have been using the last few months to meditate on these things
struggling to put into words this past year,
but coming up short.
Some of my friends and family are very aware
of all that has happened this past year.
For some it must have appeared
that the steadfast girl that I have come to be
was becoming unraveled.
For others they were able to watch
with much anticipation
for what would emerge
at the end of it all.
here I am
but with another fantastic layer
of understanding the character of My God.
This type of understanding
can only be found in perspective,
in the looking back
through the clear lens of experience and brokenness.
For like most
I have dreamed of what this season of my life would hold
but instead of seeing those dreams come true
I was given something else entirely
through it all,
I had a choice to make as I watched MY dreams fade away
Do I stay in grief for what will never be?
Do I run after MY dreams?
Do I quiet myself long enough to listen to God's calling on my life?
It looks like the answer is simple
when it is written down in words...
but it is not
the choice is not easy
some days it is a moment by moment
heavy hearted movement
in the direction that is clearly laid out by God...
days when my feet feel weighted down by sorrow and reluctant longing
days when my eyes struggle to open for they feel glued shut with all my yesterdays
days when my hands are stiff with memories of the familiar movements of the past
His mercies are new every morning
How gentle He has been with me as I have let go
He has answered every prayer
wiped every tear
held me closer
and graciously showed me
that He knows my dreams
and His are so much better.
All of this would have been impossible to understand
without the perspective of this past year.
I have been quiet
and I can see all that God accomplished
trusting Him to take care of those I miss
He promised me He had it all under control
Now I see
and He does
Psalm 90: 12-17 (The Voice)
Teach us to number our days
so that we may truly live and achieve wisdom.
How long will we wait here alone?
Return, O Eternal One, with mercy.
With every sun's rising, surprise us with Your love,
satisfy us with Your kindness.
Then we will sing with joy and celebration every day we are alive.
You have spent many days afflicting us with pain and sorrow;
now match those with years of unspent joy.
Let your work of love be on display for all Your servants;
let your children see Your majesty.
And then let the beauty and grace of the Lord--our God--rest upon us
and bring success to all we do;
yes, bring success to all we do!