As of tomorrow I will be in a new season.
No more children
They are all grown up!
Not that I have not seen it coming
its just that
This is one of those seasons that I have looked forward to
and yet now that it is here I would do anything to return to the beginning.
To the very day he was born.
The old adage, "if I only knew then what I know now", is ringing in my ears.
Even though there must be a million parenting books out there
no matter what I read or anyone told me
the bare truth is...
parenting is hard
I messed it up
there were mistakes and regrets
A person can try and "improve" on their parents version of parenting
but in the end
the fact that I am an imperfect, sinful, controlling human
seeped into my daily activities of raising two human beings
To look at them
one might think
"you have great kids"
"you did a great job"
"they grew up so responsible"
blah blah blah
The truth is
no matter how hard I tried to parent
My struggles became their struggles
Body image issues,
My nagging became a place where they learned
how to tune me out
which I totally deserved
My fears became a place where they learned
a particular way of seeing the world
My self righteousness became a place where they learned
a particular way of interpreting the world
I feel ashamed and sad when I think about it too long
by some miracle
by God's grace
I have standing before me a young man who is turning 21 tomorrow
the baby of the family
trying so hard to find his own way in the world
by God's grace
this mom's antics and parenting attempts
Thanks be to God who poured mercy and grace into this boy's mind and soul
He made him into a compassionate young man
He molded his mind to see those that need encouragement
He gave him the strength to look beyond his own doubts to a lost world
He gave him hands that long to draw and interpret life
He gave him ears that hear emotion in songs and speech
He gave him the ability to have patience with his Mom
He continues to give him the ability to forgive
He is driving this boy's future plans
He is giving him the eyes to dream big
He is providing him with all he needs for the journey
God's mercy is new every day
I am most thankful and humbled that I am related to this young man
Instead of focusing on the things I wish I had done or not done
I need to focus on what God did
I need to focus on being thankful for being audience to God's handiwork
I am a proud Mama Bird
trying with all my might not to hover
Old habits die hard
I can only whip this one with God's help
So I pray...
As my son continues to become a man
may he seek the face of God
may the Lord protect his mind,
soul and body from the things that can so easily entangle in this world
may he use his gifts and talents in a God honoring way
may he fully forgive any past offenses
may he let go of any wrong thinking
and see himself as a child of God, perfect and forgiven.
and may he never forget where he came from and how blessed he is.
and may I have the strength to let go and trust him fully into God's care...
Happy Birthday my son
you are most precious to me.