I have prayed
for an answer,
for vision of where I am to focus my time and efforts now that my kids are older.
It has been a scary prayer,
for I am not sure I really wanted the answer,
but it does not matter.
I have my answer, for now.
I have felt the Lord leading me down a particular path for about 5 years now.
It is not one that I would choose on my own.
I am not brave.
I have peeked down this path,
dreamed about it,
but to say I would have willingly chosen
would be untrue.
I am not one to change course easily.
To move forward in the direction that My Lord is asking
is to leave a large part of my identity behind,
or so it appears.
I worked so hard for that identity.
Even now, my heart is pounding in my chest thinking about the finality of this.
I know I will always have the knowledge gained through that identity,
but I can see that I have leaned way too heavily on it,
for security in my todays and my tomorrows.
This has been a long lesson.
A lesson in the sufficiency of Christ.
I have read of this,
and would say that I believe it.
I have taught others about it,
I feel it, deep in me.
God is asking me to cut out my own sufficiency
and to fully replace it with His.
I thought I had
but now I understand
I have been allowing fear of full dependency on anything but me
to hold me back from what He has for me.
Can I do this?
Am I ready?
In my weakness, He is strong.
So, here I go...
replacing what I thought was something I could not survive without
for something bigger and longer lasting in God's economy.
I think this is something every believer eventually faces.
It is all or nothing.