Monday, May 21, 2012

Boing Boing Boing

I find myself in an awkward place right now.
Somewhere between a household of 4, to a household of 2.
It seems to change day to day.
I feel like a ping pong ball, or maybe more like a paddle ball.
Just when I think I have it figured out, it changes.....
Unfortunately it makes me respond at times in not so nice ways.
I get a little grumpy and selfish.  
Most of the time I can go with the flow.
I am fairly easy going.
But there are days when I feel like I am walking around
with a big question mark on my face,
because I just don't get it.
No one told me it would be this way...this leaving the nest thing.
It is so gray.
It would be so nice if there were specific steps to take,
and none of them backwards.
But forward and backward we go.
Back and forth.
Independence, dependence.
I am trying to keep up, but honestly I am at a loss.
I keep thinking, it can't be both. It has to be one or the other.
But both it is.
Thus the question mark plastered on my face.
My daily rhythm is off, I can't get my grip.
It use to be that I had a routine and it kept everything in its place.
But now there are 4 routines and they are rarely in sync.
I am trying to launch these little birds, and for the most part they want to go.
But, I think they still long for security so before they take the final leap
they step back.
They speak of independence and wanting to do what they want
when they want to do it.
Then just as quickly as they have voiced their independence...
they ask to be cared for.
Don't get me wrong, I love to be needed. It is part of my DNA.
What I don't like is the tug,
no the lashing out for freedom that at times is directed at me,
and then in the next breath
the disappointment
when I move forward on my own
without a thought of asking if they want to join in.
I thought that is what they wanted,
to be free of me.

This is all a stretching of my character.
I should be more fruity than crazy!

Galatians 5:22-23 has the best recipe for fruit salad I know:
But the fruit of the Spirit is
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;
against such things there is no law.

My position has not changed, I will always be a parent.
This is true no matter what my little birds say,
or how loudly they sing:
Independence, tweet tweet, Independence, tweet tweet

I must steadily keep my fruit salad fresh,
no matter the season or occasion.
I want to be a blessing, 
not a paddle ball.
The only way to do that is to be
and remember 
that God has it all under control.  

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